lazychick

Almost all the cherry blossoms are gone from the trees around here. They were there yesterday, but blew off last night or today. Also, it seems to have rained.

This has made me think a little on the transience of things.

Last night, I kept meaning to write about the private languages that couples share. I can say "10 minutes" to Andrew, and it means something else. It might mean an hour, it might mean 2 minutes. It might be a remembrance of years past. But it doesn't often mean 10 minutes.

While this isn't the best example, as there are others who might understand, it is AN example. It's just one of the little things we share. Something to set us, as a unit, apart from others, maybe? To demarcate the boundaries of our relationship? I dunno. I suppose those are rather deep assertions for what is, essentially, an inside joke. But maybe, on a deeper level, that's what all inside jokes are. Maybe that's why we can end up feeling excluded from groups--because we don't share their history and their inside jokes.

My stomach keeps rumbling and just won't stop. And I finally ate, even. Almost 6:00. I think I'll walk to the store now. I want to buy a spray bottle, so I can put cleaner in it.

I sit here and stare at the screen and feel how cold my feet are and look at the time and wonder if I really want to walk to the store. I think I need to force myself.

Also, someone keeps playing The Sound of Silence, by Simon and Garfunkel. I don't know who, and when I went outside, I couldn't hear it.

So. I think today I might try to upgrade Movable Type (yet again) on my website. And then... well I might go back to posting there. Instead of here.

It's ironic that I only got the LJ account for yarn/knitting-related reasons, when now I don't even use it for that. I think I never really did, other than to post on the Knitting Community here. Or maybe it's ironic. Maybe, knowing me, it's not.

So if you don't hear from me for a bit, you should check on me at my website. I'll let you know how it goes. I spent today getting the yarn shop's web store looking good. However, I still don't like the words "payment gateway" and need to find out more about them, and what my options are. Who knew that changing credit card vendors could create such issues? Blah.

And now to fold some laundry.

(Also, three days in a row? Must be a record. Maybe I'm becoming less lazy. HAHAHA!)

Is it strange that right now my stomach is a little upset and I kind of want a pickle?

OMG My boyfriend just got the last achievement for Puzzle Quest on the 360! He's awesome. (And I bet his gamer score is higher than yours. He's Ale Mat on there if you're interested. Neener neener.) I got him at least one of the achievements, I think. But maybe not.

Today I went on a walk and took photos.

<insert about 20 minutes here to get USB cord to transfer images from camera, and also fool around and take silly pictures of self>

<maybe another 20 minutes to resize and upload>

Ok. All of my photos worth sharing are now up on Flickr.

Here is the first photo I took. It's the view from my front porch. Directly ahead is a little park with some benches. (Not much of a park, but still cute.)



I'm quite fond of this photo. This is one of the last I took. It's on my way home, heading up a little path to my apartment.



( For a funny photo... )

So that was my day, in brief. I also looked for jobs and got depressed about not finding one. Hoorah. Oh, and got a book about organic cleaning from the library. And now it's late enough and I'm off to get in bed and read (maybe about organic cleaning).

Today is a year and a half that Andrew and I have been going out. We slept in this morning (as every morning, really) and then went on a little bike ride to Vasona. Then we rode to the karate school. I got him a sandwich and then biked home. My legs were a little sore going up the hills. It's because I don't shift to make it easier on myself. (Stupid.)

LOL Just now I hear this little noise and turn around and there's a cat creeping into my room. I must have left the front door open a crack. So I go pick her up to return her outside and see the front door is closed. How long has that kitty been in here? Not too long, but still.

Anyway, I better get going. I have to check on my sourdough starter and do some dishes and eat a little something and bring the keys to the bike lock to Andrew. And unpack some more boxes.

Third night in our new apartment. My fingers are cold from sitting at the computer too long. Also, the heat isn't turned as high as I'd like it, and it never really seems to warm our bedroom enough anyway. (Which is, OF COURSE, where the computer is.)

Andrew should be home in about an hour. I think maybe I'll get off my lazy butt now and make him some food. But there ARE leftovers.

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. We don't have anything planned. Andrew will work all day and get home around 9:00 and we'll eat some dinner. But really? That's enough. (Also, maybe I have a little surprise or two for him. Maybe.)

I'll take some photos of our new place after the mess has subsided a bit. It's tiny, but it has character. Ha!

(And anyone who knows where the joke in this post is gets an extra five points!)

I haven't been good about posting here. I think it's because things haven't been great and I don't want to dwell on it.

In good news, I finally finished most of a site redesign I've been working on (not for my own site) and uploaded it all today. I feel very proud of it and very accomplished. It was definitely a labor of love.

With luck, Andrew and I will be moving into our own place soon. Keep fingers crossed for us. Also, think happy thoughts about me finally finding some work. I mean, I haven't. But that's why I need happy thoughts.

Today is Andrew's last day at work. Right now he's at a company barbecue there. I am not going.

This means that there are many people there that I never got to say goodbye to, and will likely never see them again. It's quite sad for me.

I don't think it helps much that today is a grey day, the first rain we've had here in months and months.

So right now I'm feeling a little sorry for myself and wallowing in my misery. Maybe I'll go make bread or something.

So my friend Chas (hi!) is making his first forays into the world of cooking. And now he wants to make bread! So here I come to the rescue with recipes!

I will keep this simple, as he's never made bread before. I got heavily into the world of bread, and I love it there. But it can be overwhelming and/or intimidating to a novice. In my copy of Baking Illustrated (by America's Test Kitchen) there's a recipe for bread for sandwiches. "We set out to develop a good, solid recipe that could be done in two hours, start to finish, including baking time."

This isn't my favorite sandwich bread, but it's quick and easy and is a good introduction. (It's also not quite their recipe. I felt like they used too much milk and the bread was too... I dunno. Anyway. I've improooved it.)

( Sandwich bread )

NOTE: I am making this bread as I type up this recipe. Photos to come soon.

EDIT: Photos here!

( A little animated gif of how to knead. )

I'm moving again. Back up north. To San Jose. (Maybe Los Gatos or Saratoga. It's all really the same.)

I was reading over my LJ entries for the past year and a half. It was interesting. This entry (friends-locked) really... gets me. I feel like it was some of my best writing. Maybe all good writing comes from places filled with turmoil. I sent hampsterstyle a link to it.

hampsterstyle: "I wish there were easy answers. I wish I could have my cake and eat it too. "
hampsterstyle: the cake is a lie btw ;P

If you don't know about "The cake is a lie", you should get The Orange Box. Play Portal.

But he's right; the cake IS a lie.

So much has happened in this past year. I turned 30. I found and lost what I thought was a great job. (I guess the job still is great--it's the company that has lost its luster.) Now I'm moving with a new boyfriend back to the city where we first met, almost 10 years ago.

I've searched my diaries, looking for an entry that would tell me the date when we met, but I haven't found it. It was in January or February of 1998. Three guys walked into the room at a party I was at. 10 years later, I'm finally going out with the right one. (Not that there's anything the matter with the other two--they just weren't right for me.)

I'm scared to move back to San Jose. It has the air of running away. Fleeing home with my tail between my legs. Is that what I'm doing? I'm trying to be honest with myself. I don't think so. I have to admit that since SO MUCH has gone wrong ever since I decided to move down here, I am at least partly convinced that these are all signs I'm not where I should be. I will miss the beautiful weather, but really, that's not a good enough reason to stay somewhere. (Though I do think crappy weather is a good enough reason to LEAVE somewhere. LOL)

I think I'm also scared in part because I have found someone that I think I want to spend my life with. And that's scary. But wonderfully so. I still don't know what I'm going to do with my life after I move. I guess I'll look for more jobs in the game industry. Though I am (as always) thinking of going back to school. For programming. It could be fun. I liked that part of my job.

But I think right now I'll keep listening to this song over and over, remembering a night not so long ago (yet an eternity ago), smiling and thinking about what could be. (And maybe I'll knit or bake some melonpan.)

So as for my predictions yesterday, they weren't too far from the truth.

After posting this I browsed around on the internet for awhile and then passed out on the couch. I don't know how long my nap was. When I woke up I drove to the store and bought some fruit, some flour, and some popsicles. Yum! The popsicles were definitely a necessity. (I need to have one soon.) It's still really hot. Maybe I should swim in the pool.

On my way home from the store I went to Trader Joe's and bought a frozen pizza and some juice. Dinner was pizza and juice and fruit and popsicles. It was great.

Then I made some yarn (yes, I'm a total dork). And I played Odin Sphere. It's beautiful and I like it, though I wish I had a larger inventory. So far it seems like it's going to be a really short game. (I wish there was more walking around town talking to people and going into shops stuff. But whatever.)

Finally, I put in Pride & Prejudice. I ended up falling asleep on the couch again. I think I got in bed around 4.

I talked to the bf this morning. He said he misses me. Actually, what he said was that he misses me "now". Which sort of implies that he didn't miss me last night. LOL He's so good with words when he wants to be, but in regular conversation he often says things that are not difficult to take the wrong way. Anyway, the guys decided that they needed some extra sleep, so they probably aren't getting home until this evening. Which sort of sucks. But what can you do?

Today I cleaned the kitchen. Well, I did dishes and cleaned the counters and the cabinets. I still need to clean the floor, but it's too hot. So for now I'm going to work on the redesign of the ImagiKnit site.

After having a popsicle.

It wasn't until midweek that I realized we had a three-day weekend coming up. Of course I start thinking of things to do, how I'll pass the time. Which is really a joke, because of course I'll just spend it with my boyfriend.

Only... he's in Las Vegas right now. One of the guys we work with is getting married in a few weeks, so for his bachelor party they planned a trip to Vegas. A bunch of guys (12) got in a van and drove there this morning. They'll be coming back tomorrow.

I'm sitting around the apartment, unsure of what to do with myself. It doesn't help that it's really hot today (95 -- yes, I know it could be worse). My TV is an LCD and it really warms up this little studio apartment. I was reluctant to even turn on my laptop. No airconditioning and east-facing windows mean that it gets HOT in here.

My boyfriend has never been to Las Vegas before. I'm happy for him that he gets this opportunity to have fun there with his friends. But... I have to admit I don't love the idea of the whole situation. I told him last night "It's not that I don't want you to go... it's just that I don't want you to have a good time." I was joking, mostly. But a woman's only experience with bachelor parties(unless she's the entertainment) is what she sees in the movies and on TV. I don't relish the idea of my bf in LAS freaking VEGAS getting drunk with all his guy friends and shoving money in some stripper's g-string. For a multitude of reasons.

I'm sure I have nothing to worry about and tomorrow I'll end up feeling slightly sheepish, but I can't help worrying today. I think it's also because the last time we were split up it was for his sister's wedding. And it was when I was driving up there that I got in my car accident. And I felt so helpless and alone, knowing that he (and everyone else I love) was so far away from me. I made myself drive around a little today though; I think every little bit helps.

But now I have to figure out what to do. Maybe I'll walk to 7-11 and get a Slurpee. Oooh... my bf did just get Odin Sphere from Gamefly. Maybe I should check that out.

Blah. Nothing is as fun when I'm alone. I'll probably just surf the internet and read and then go to sleep early. I'm stupid.

So I haven't written a post in a long time. I think this is largely because I haven't had anything new to write about. But perhaps that's not the truth. I think it would be more accurate to say that I haven't had anything I really want to dwell on. And that's what these posts do for me, often. They let me think about things. I don't want to think, lately.

Last time I write I was turning 30; I'm still 30. Unsurprisingly, my life hasn't changed much just because I'm older.

Work is still work. My contract was slated to be up at the end of this month, but now they have extended it for a month. My future there is still largely uncertain. Unfortunately there are too many people in my department that are already full-time employees, and they can't hire on a new person when we don't have another project lined up yet. Issues with the supervisor are still issues, just more so.

I'm still going out with Andrew, and I am still very happy. We make a great team. I don't think there are many people that I could spend all day at work with and still want to spend all my free time with them. Especially when we're so stressed about work. We have a lot of fun together; recently we bought bicycles and we're trying to ride them all over the place. We also geek out together and spend the night at home: him playing games (OMG Bioshock!) and me knitting. Tonight we're going to a game-fest, actually.

About a month ago I was driving up to Northern California for Andrew's sister's wedding. I was on the freeway (405) in Long Beach and I was rear-ended. Now my life is sort of a mess. I'm dealing with back and wrist pain. My car is totalled.

I am stressed right now. I may not have a job in a month, I don't have a car, and my lease is up soon. So I have to start thinking about looking for a new job, but I don't have a car to get there. And while I'll be getting money for my totalled car, it won't be enough to buy a new car, so I'd have to be making car payments. But I might not have a job to make the money to pay for the car. And how can I even think about looking for apartments? I think I am getting by right now by not thinking about anything, and only dealing with the things that force themself into my face. This isn't a productive way of dealing with things.

Andrew is afraid that I am going to have a nervous breakdown. I think I'm a little afraid of that too.

But right now, sitting next to Andrew, knowing that I have tomorrow off... life still feels pretty good.

Deadlines looming. Tension growing. Stress levels through the roof.

Work has been crap lately, with regards to interpersonal relations. (I.e. things have not improved with the supervisor.)

Everything else in my life is pretty good right now.

I turned 30. OMG. I am 30. O_O




(That's me on my birthday, at the Cheesecake Factory, reaching for my Mai Tai.)

Today was not my boyfriend's day.

I'm sure everyone has those days where they can't seem to do or say the right thing. This was his day for that.

First there was this stupidness at work. It's not a big deal. Then there was other stupidness at work. Again, no problem. Then there's this whole needing to hear information from someone other than me thing. Whatever.

In the car on the way back to his place, he asks me if I'm still annoyed with him. I wasn't. But people asking me things like that annoys me. LOL

Then we get to his place. We just sat on the couch, almost falling asleep. Then it was about time for him to leave--there's this big thing where the company is paying for everyone to see the movie 300. I didn't go because that's just not the sort of movie I want to see. Anyway, he tells me that he read my LJs today. I didn't really say anything, because what could I say? But he said that he hoped my birthday wasn't too scary. Because it was supposed to be a big, wonderful birthday.

"You lived to be 30."

Which made me burst into tears, because all I could think about was how my brother didn't. And that was forefront in my mind since that's what I started my LJ with--thoughts of my brother and how I miss him and how he won't be around for this birthday. I cried a lot (actually, it makes me cry now) and he felt really bad. When I managed to calm down a little, I told him that he had better go... before he managed to remind me of my grandfather (who has terminal melanoma) or something. But I was smiling when I said it, because he was obviously just having one of those days.

But I do miss my brother so much. I think of him a lot, still. I wonder what he would be doing. I wish I could just hug him so tight and never let go. Not ever. Oh it hurts to know that he never got to experience so much of the wonderfulness that life has to offer. He never got to see his daughter. And it's not just selflessly that I miss him. I miss that he won't be there for me on my birthday. He won't be there if/when I get married. He'll never know my children, if I have them.

More and more lately, I've come to realize that I sort of looked on my brother as my only real family. And now I feel like I don't really have a family anymore. Nothing beside whatever family I make for myself. Not that my parents try to exclude me... but I'm just not part of their families. It's like I've got all these relatives, but I don't know them, and they don't know me, and I don't belong. That's what it really is. I don't belong. And it hurts and it's lonely and I miss my brother.

Blah. I think I'll knit or play Animal Crossing or something and beat my melancholy into submission.

why is this so scary and sad for me?
i've been thinking about my brother a lot lately. sometimes without crying, but never without tearing up. i never would have thought that at 30 i would have lost my younger brother already. i'm sad that he can't be here to celebrate me turning 30. i'm sad that i'm at a point in my life right now where i would be more able to give him any help he needed. i guess i still feel guilty for not inviting him to come and live with me when i last talked to him. i thought i couldn't support him, but maybe that's just an excuse. because i helped support rob's brother when he lived with us.

this wasn't supposed to turn into me whining about my brother.

the game i'm working on was finally announced, which means i can talk about it, I suppose. http://www.sega.com/gamesite/goldencompass/index.php

The other day I was sitting with my boyfriend and I looked over at him and just got this ache in my heart and my stomach. Like there was a fist around it. And right then I felt like WHAM i want to spend the rest of my life with him. Am I crazy? Was it just a hormonal imbalance brought on by the pill and *ahem* that time of the month? I don't know. But I look at him and I see the future and I feel overwhelmed, in the best of ways.

LOL I've been writing this thing for hours. A sentence here, a sentence there. As a bit of a side thing while I work. It's surprising what you can get done while you're waiting on others to finish their work. I tried doing a little debugging today, but that hasn't gone too well. My black magic seems to only work when creating bugs, not when trying to debug them. Ah well.

I went for a walk along the beach at lunch today with a few of the girls here. It was great. I might have gotten burnt. Eek! I hope not. I am so lucky to live in an area where it has nice enough weather that I want to take walks on the beach in early March.

I feel like I have run the full gamut of emotions today. I started out sad and scared and now I'm closer to elated. Maybe it's all the difference that a nice walk and some sugar make. Maybe not. Sometimes just writing or talking can help me work through things. I'm sure that's true for most people.

Oh well. I better get back to work.

I'll be 30 in 17 days. I am starting to freak out.

( omgwtfold and still whiny )

It's another Lazy Sunday, mostly. I made some steamed buns. (Not filled with pork, no matter how much my bf wants to call them that.) They turned out pretty well. And then we made a yummy salad too. I took picturs of the buns, but I don't hav them all resized and uploaded yet. Hm. I guess I should do that.

( Steamed Buns! )

It was a pretty good day. Now I've gotta go and think about dinner. Maybe we'll go out somewhere. Whatever.

BF and I d/led Zelda (NES version) on the Virtual Console on the Wii. It is as good as I remembered. Right now he's playing Zelda Twilight Princess (or whatever it's called) while I update the yarn store's website. Lazy Sunday. I'm about to run out to Trader Joe's for milk for tea and maybe some truffles. And I'm sure whatever else looks good. Maybe some sort of vegetable for dinner tonight.

In other news, Rob came by my place this morning to get the last of his things. It was quick and painless. He brought a girl with him *teehee* who I think was a co-worker. It's almost a little weird to be done with all that after such a long period of time. I have to admit I was a little worried that seeing him again would make me want to re-evaluate my life or somesuch nonsense. But after he left, I wanted nothing more than to hurry back to my bf's apartment. (Cuz when I left he was so cute and sleepy in bed. Awww.)

This must be enough for now. Zelda is looking Tron-ish, the hands are out to get him, and I need some tea. And maybe some chocolate. Yum.

I was sick late last year with a head cold, and now it seems I'm getting sick again. I hate being sick. And my boyfriend seems like HE is getting sick too. It's no fair. ONE of us has to stay well so we can take care of each other. Maybe we'll just end up wallowing in misery together instead.

In other news, the Wii is amazing. If you can find one, buy one. Wii Sports is fun enough to warrant the purchase price. (IMHO) Right now "we" are playing Zelda. Mostly my boyfriend plays, but sometimes I do. Like if he's busy doing something else or just wants to watch me fool around. Oh, and buy Rayman Raving Rabbids. And Wario Ware Smooth Moves. Those games are great too. (For the Wii, of course.)

The game I'm working on is still top-secret. It's fun work, for sure, but there is a lot of it. Apparently this is one of the most rushed projects the company has ever worked on. I suppose that's a good thing for me; it's like a trial by fire.

Things with the boyfriend are still wonderful. We flew up to San Jose this past weekend for his grandmother's 90th birthday party. I got to meet a few more of his relatives and eat some delicious cake. I think he has the nicest family. They are all so welcoming and so sweet.

I would write more, but I'm sick and I need to spend some quality time with the Wii my boyfriend before getting to sleep. ~_^

I am SO in love right now and it makes me so silly. ^___^